I Used to Think I Was Miserable Because of My Life. Turns Out… It Was Me.

Let me paint the picture.

I had beautiful moments. Good people around me. Opportunities. Kindness. Experiences people pray for.

And somehow I still found a way to feel miserable inside of it.

Not all the time. But enough that it became who I thought I was.

And the hardest part to admit?

A lot of it was coming from me.

Not because I’m evil or dramatic or incapable of happiness or whatever. But because I had gotten so comfortable living in disappointment that I didn’t even realize I was choosing it anymore!

That’s the weird thing about unhappiness. After a while, it starts feeling like your personality instead of a phase.

the myth of gratitude.

I used to think gratitude was something people magically felt once their lives got better. Like one day you wake up healed and suddenly start romanticizing your coffee and journaling at sunrise.

Nah… LOL.

Sometimes gratitude is literally forcing yourself to stop spiraling long enough to notice your life is happening while you’re busy being upset it isn’t perfect.

And I say this as someone who could find the flaw in ANYTHING. Like seriously.

A beautiful day? Too damn hot.

Something good happening? Well… that’s good… but what if it disappears? 

Love? Fear.

Peace? Suspicion.

I was so f*cking exhausted. (Picture me ugly crying with desperation in my eyes when reading this sentence)

Not from life itself. From the way I was experiencing it.

the shift.

And I remember hitting this point where I just thought:
I genuinely cannot continue living inside my own head like this. What the f*ck am I doing.

Not in some huge dramatic rock-bottom way either. It was quieter than that.

Just this internal:

girl… enough. (I actually said b*tch but you get the point lol)

Enough ruining good moments by searching for what’s missing!
Enough carrying old pain into rooms that had nothing to do with it!!
Enough identifying with suffering so deeply that I neglect to remember I’m allowed to enjoy being alive too!!!

the tiny choices.

So I started smaller than people think transformation looks.

I didn’t become a new person overnight.
I didn’t suddenly heal all my wounds.
I didn’t wake up as some enlightened goddess floating through life glowing and healed. (Although I look like it guys… I’m not! Really! you flatter me…hehehe just kiddinggggggg 😉

I just started making different choices.

Tiny ones.

Choosing to go outside instead of rotting in my sadness.
Choosing to stop replaying old conversations that hurt me.
Choosing to laugh instead of staying committed to being upset.
Choosing to appreciate moments while they’re were happening instead of waiting until they became memories.

And eventually those tiny choices started changing me.

That’s the part nobody talks about enough:
you don’t usually FEEL yourself changing while it’s happening.

It’s gradual. Which kinda sucks for visually inclined and impatient individuals like ya girl right here 😀

Until one day someone says,
“You’re so different now”
And it almost catches you off guard because… wait. I do feel different.

being seen.

There’s something emotional about being seen in your growth by other people. Not because you need validation, but because sometimes healing happens soooooo slowly you don’t realize how far you’ve come until someone else reflects it back to you.

And honestly?

I’m grateful for all of it now!!!

The beautiful parts obviously. The loves. The adventures. The moments that felt cinematic and magical and once-in-a-lifetime!

But also if i’m being real, the horrible parts.

The heartbreaks, both romantically and platonically.
The confusion.
The loneliness.
The versions of me that felt impossible to carry (metaphorically & literally, you guys).

Because those seasons gave me contrast.

And without contrast, I don’t think I would’ve learned how to fully appreciate joy when it finally arrived.

The hard things didn’t destroy me, like at all.
They introduced me to myself, gave me glimpses of a life I wanted to know and be apart of sooner rather than later. 🦋

now.

And now? I don’t know?!!!!!!!

Life just feels different!✨

Not perfect.
Not easy.
Not free of grief or fear or uncertainty.

Just… alive.

I feel present in my own life again instead of mentally existing somewhere else all the time.

I notice so many things now!
The way sunlight cuts through the clouds.
My kids’ humor and the way they reaction to life.
Sounds outside that make themselves known to me indoors.
How soft the skin of another person’s hand is, in mine.
The moments of peace throughout an ordinary day.

I used to overlook those moments constantly because I was waiting for bigger things to finally make me happy.

Turns out life was already happening… 

And maybe that’s what gratitude actually is!

Not pretending everything is beautiful.
Not toxic positivity.
Not forcing happiness.

Just allowing yourself to fully witness your life while it’s here!!!!

And for the first time in a long time, I can honestly say this:

I love my life!!!

Not because everything went according to plan.
Not because nothing hurts anymore.
Not because I finally “arrived.”

I love it because I’m actually here for it now.

And it’s mine.

if you’re there right now.

So if you’re in that heavy place right now, this is what I’ll tell you:

You do not have to transform overnight.
You do not have to become a brand new person by tomorrow morning.

Just make one different choice today.

That’s it.

One!!!!

Open the window.
Taste the ingredients in your food slowly.
Text the person back who texted you.
Go outside and stay outside longer than you usually would.
Play the music louder!
Let yourself laugh without immediately ruining it with guilt. But also stay in the moment of laughter, because idk about y’all but I have laughed so hard only to be so sad about forgetting what it was that made me laugh so hard “that one time”. 

Start there.

Because gratitude doesn’t suddenly appear once your life becomes perfect.

Sometimes gratitude is the thing that slowly pulls you back into your life while it’s still messy.

And once you catch a glimpse…
You’re not gonna stop going after it!

xoxoxoxox so many besitos,
Amber Lindsay M